14 Worst Kinds of Late People

14 Worst Kinds of Late People

Samantha Grossman is a reporter at TIME covering web culture and pop culture. She graduated from Northwestern University's Medill School of Journalism.

A look at several genres of lateness -- and why none of them are acceptable

Was it cool when New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio recently arrived 80 minutes late at the Vatican — the Vatican! — to deliver a speech about climate change? (Or all the other times he was seriously behind schedule?) Was it all fine and good that time Nicki Minaj crept in lateto a live broadcast of American Idol? How about when your friend Scott (ugh, Scott) showed up a half hour late to your coffee date for the fifth time?“What late people don’t understand about on-time people,” comedian Mike Birbiglia says in a stand-up routine, “is that we hate them.” He goes on to make a clear distinction between two types of people: earlies and laties. And getting a reputation as a latie, he says, is not a good thing.

The answer, of course, is no. No, lateness is not cool. Sure, it happens to all of us sometimes. Nobody is perfect. (Except, like, Channing Tatum, who is probably extremely punctual.) But routinely showing up late is a problem, and one that we should stop excusing.

To paraphrase Tolstoy, all early people are alike, but every late person is late in his own way. With that in mind, let’s take a moment to discuss the 14 worst types of late people:

1. The Infuriatingly Relaxed Colleague: The person who rolls into the meeting 10 minutes late, holding a coffee that theyclearly could have forgone in order to be on time.
2. The Manic Pixie Procrastinator: The person who shows up, breathless, their whimsical flowy skirt fluttering in their wake, thinking their lateness is adorable and bohemian.
3. The Pre-Liar: The person who texts you “almost there!” when you are confident they have in fact just exited the shower.
4. The Post-Liar: The person who arrives late and says “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, the subway was delayed!” when you live in a town without a subway.
5. The Interruptor: The person who comes into the movie right as it’s starting, distracting you from the important opening scenes and/or literally crawling over you.
6. The Hangry-Maker: The person who is so late that you say screw it and start eating brunch alone.
7. The Genetic Latie: The person who blames their personality for why they’re always late.
8. The Empty Chair: The person who shows up late to an event where you’re graciously saving them a seat. Everybody gives you the stink eye, but you’re not the monster here.
9. The Oversharer: The person who always blames their lateness on their significant other. This typically involves an overly detailed story you’re then forced to listen to.
10. The Harried Commuter: The person who blames public transit or traffic every time they’re late. (Sometimes, yes. But every time? No. Build in extra time.)
11. The Overscheduler: The person who is late because they were doing some other fun thing right before and you know because they Instagrammed it. BUSTED.
12. The Eleventh-Hour Overcompensator: The person who sends you a completely overdramatic paragraphs-long text explaining why they’re late. (For example: “OMG I’m gonna be late bcuz a UNICORN was crossing the street so OBVIOUSLY I had to follow it but then my foot hurt so I had to stop and see why my foot hurt and then RYAN GOSLING walked by but it was actually a homeless person LOL so yeah I’ll be there in 45 mins maybe!”)
13. The Spatially Incompetent: The person who is always late because they just can’t seem to figure out how long it takes to get from their apartment to Point B, even though they’ve lived there for three years.
14. The Denier: The person who walks in, hugs you hello and acts like their lateness just never happened.